Recently a Dominant friend asked me what I need and crave from my submission. I have always dreaded that question. It is impossible to answer that on the spot and on the spur of the moment. My quick answer was a bit of an eye roller. What I came up with, at that moment, was less than inspired. I simply replied, “I want to be controlled.” Well, what submissive does not? What I would love to have been able to come up with was something more inspiring and given him new insight into his own approach to Domination. But alas, my answer was more of a dud.
For the last two days I have been thinking over what my answer could have been. Some of the answers I came up with were very personal and just cannot be shared. Obviously, some answers cannot be put into words. They need to be discovered, and in some cases revealed through an environment of trust that grows between a Dom and sub as they get to know each other better. A shopping list of preferences would never work for me because I am constantly evolving and on different days I have many different forms of submission that appeal to me. There are some things that you might assume and other desires that might just surprise anyone that has not truly captured my submission.
What I decided after much contemplation is the answer comes down to just me; how I interpret the question and more importantly how it applies to me. I, of course, want to be controlled, but what really matters is how I want to be controlled and to whom I am willing to offer the gift of my submission. As a submissive it is in my nature to turn my answer around and look at it from the opposite direction. What I need in my submission is to know that my service is valued. I want to find a Dominant that will accept my service with adoration. If the world were a perfect place he would crave my submission as much as I need to submit to him. However, he would have the self-control not to lose himself to that desire. It is easy at this point for the Dominant to begin to treat the submissive as an equal in an attempt to build a relationship with her, but he needs to be vigilant in keeping the control, especially with me. I find that it is at this point in a new bond when it becomes easy for me to test my limits and see how much the Dominant will let me get away with. I need to know that he has the ability to see through me and know what I need before I know it myself. He should know how to control me even if I try to set the limits myself. With someone new I instinctively try to set limits that are socially acceptable between friends. He needs to know what he wants from me and how far he wants the friendship to proceed. He will have to push my limits to achieve his own goals while balancing his needs against mine. It is here that he will know if he truly has earned my submission. If I submit to him he has earned my trust. Without first earning my trust I would not be comfortable submitting to him and it is likely that the friendship will continue on as a friendship never to develop into anything beyond that bond.
Despite my predilection for silliness I take my submission very seriously and find that I have become very guarded against new Dominants, even among the members at Austin. I have even, appropriately, called myself skittish at times. As a submissive I give all that I can in my submission. Many times the Dominant only wants a superficial bond and that has its place and can be wonderful, if the submissive knows in advance. Often before I submit to someone I seem very intelligent and level headed, but there is something about offering up your life to someone else that I find confusing. That service might include intense pain, endurance, or extreme passion. I need for him to always be clear with me about what level of responsibility he is going to take over my submission. This, for me, is a vital part of the control he needs to maintain. If and when I trust him enough to submit to him it is likely to be very exhilarating and in that excitement of the moment I often lose all logical thought and will possibly have feelings for him way before they are appropriate. I need a Dominant that can keep my submission reigned in so that I do not make more of a moment, in my own mind, than I am meant to.
The individual actions of our encounters are less important to me than knowing my service is valued, that I have served to the best of my ability, and that the Dominant finds that service pleasing. If the connection I have to the Dominant is right there will be activities I have never tried or have shied away from with others that will be cherished with him. We will be able to teach each other and grow as we learn together. I would expect that a Dominant will want to push my limits. That I will grow. I want him to make me better than I am. I want to become everything that he dreams that I can be. I need a Dominant that sees in me potential that I would over look and never reach without his genuine interest in my well-being and his devoted urging. I often get stuck in my own mind. I need for him to know how to reach me and draw me out. My wish is that he would elevate me to a level I could never reach without him and to reach goals I would never dream of setting for myself. It is a constant dream of mine that when people see me following behind him, whether on his arm, a leash, or on my hands and knees that people will stop to watch and he would be proud to have me there.
In short, as a submissive I need to be needed in order to feel that I have value. I need to be needed by someone that is fully in control of their own needs and cravings and when that man comes along I would give myself over to him fully and completely and would be proud to kneel at his feet for as long as he would have me there. There will be many that would pray on this trust and it is my hope that if the day comes that the Dominant I have been looking for comes along that I will not have closed off my trusting nature and I will recognize him for who he is. I just wish in the process I could recognize the imposters as easily, but as the saying goes, “You have to kiss a few frogs...” and I have.
(I have been told that I need to edit this and cut out the duplications of thought. I will try to get back to it and clean it up but for tonight I am too sleepy to write anymore)
No comments:
Post a Comment